I'm allowed to be me!

I'm tired of being apologetic.
I'm sick of the word sorry.
I have an opinion, doesn't matter if you agree with it.
I have feelings like any normal human.
I get frustrated just like you.
I can cry if I want to!

I feel like my whole world is starting to slowly turn upside down.
Friends are changing.
Boyfriend is changing.
Even I am changing.
Yet I still want things to be like they have always been.
I want everyone to laugh and have a good time together.
I wish my life would stop being complicated
though I know that will never happen.
I am "too strong" of a person, I can handle it all.
IF ONLY THIS WERE SO!

I keep feeling as if what I want to say isn't allowed to be said.
I feel like I can't have my own opinion, and if I do state it that it should be apologized for if it doesn't match someone elses.
I will no longer say sorry for saying what I think on any situation.
I am not going to be the one that asks whats wrong and then apologize when it is somehow my fault.
It's not going like that anymore.
I am taking control of my life and I will make it through!

I love how much you "love" me!

It used to be you couldn't wait to get back to my room and spend time with me. now though?
Now you say that you can't wait and yet when we get here all you do is find an excuse for either you or us both to leave and get around other people.
Tonight, I tell you that I want Matt and Jeni time and I get you going back to your apartment with Time when we should be going to hang out in the pool for a bit before watching movies.
Yea, I really appreciate that.
When you asked me what was wrong and knew it was you leaving then you should have just told Tim that you changed your mind and decided you were not going after all.
But alas, no, you tell him you are ready now.
Yea, it was the fact that you decided to leave. On top of the fact that the last couple of times that we could have had us time you decided you needed to be somewhere else, you were either hungry (which I don't doubt) or you forgot something you had to do for class right that minute instead of in the 20 minutes while you were studying beforehand.
I just wish that things could go back to how they were before where there was always time for "us".
Instead of how things are now where you are avoiding it.
If things stay like this and I confront you, will you break up with me? Tell me you know and are working on it (which I DO doubt)? Or will you just get quiet, look down, and tell me you love me.
I'm betting on a combination of the last two actually, which is not going to solve anything. All it will do is anger me and I will just walk away.
I know you will follow after me or sit there frustrated instead of talking with me and telling me whats happening to make you so distant.
But I don't know if it will be in time because I am running out of patience already, being as I have never had patience in the first place.

Forever Comes To An End Quickly These days!

I'm in my first mature relationship - sad seeing as I'm 20 years old! - and there are problems just like with every couple. I really do mean EVERY couple too, by the way!
See my friends were supposed to be the "hope couple" for me, they looked like they were happy as could be, never got into ridiculous arguments and could always be seen laughing and/or smiling whenever you saw them together. But, I then found out that that just wasn't the case - she is just a bottler and he is idk what!
Then of course I can now look around at all couples that I know and be able to see that there are problems... HMMM. Maybe this isn't such a great thing to be able to see, since whenever my friends have issues I want to help... and I have learned over the years to stay out of issues pertaining to relationships unless someone asks for either my opinion or my advice!
Back to the issues with me and my love, I thought I was a bottler but apparently I didn't know what the hell I was talking about since Matt keeps more stuff to himself then I do and when he makes a quip and I ask him about it nine times out of ten I will  be told to either drop it or forget about it because he doesn't want to talk about it. It scares me to think that if I push him to talk about it we will end up IN an argument and OUT of a relationship....

Speechless

Sitting there staring at the screen waiting for a response is never a good feeling when it is coming from someone you love....


Tonight I was talking to my boyfriend and he out of nowhere makes a face. When I asked him about it all I got was "IDK, I need to be on my own." ..... I was speechless.


When he turned around and asked me what I was doing, I told him I was trying to figure out what he meant, and he told me "Nothing, Just forget about it." .... I can't. 


I don't think I have been more afraid to receive and instant message then I was when I told him I wanted to know what that meant.... and of course he dropped it and didn't tell me. I'm still so worried and confused and not sure at all what I should think about it.... 


Well there is one thing I'm thinking, and that's that he no longer wishes to be my boyfriend, which is harsh considering that he was with me almost constantly for the past 3 weeks!

First Time Blogger

So you have to forgive me if things are a little askew for the first couple of times I post stuff since this is the first time I have ever blogged. 
Thanks for your understanding and I hope I don't make too many mistakes.